Rapper Boy and the Cliff

Now just add a beard and you've got the general idea.


It's the second last lesson for the day and there is a pitched battle as both sides grasp for control of the room. In the blue corner a pack of roughly 30 fourteen year olds. In the red corner is me, sitting fairly safely somewhere along the spectrum for high functioning autism. I'm trying to explain the concept of self-control and it's relationship to happiness. Self control + teenagers + afternoon class = stupid teacher.

It's a bun fight.

Half way through the analogy in which I attempt to explain the idea that reality isn't too fussed about whether or not you believe in it, I make two important discoveries. (I have to note at this juncture that teenagers have this marvelous apprehension of the belief that "if I can't see it, it's not there" and apply this to general knowledge - if they haven't seen something it ain't there. If reality was Chuck Norris they'd all be dead.) Discovery number one: two girls right at the front on the room, I mean right under my nose, are busy doing maths homework. Discovery number two: they haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.

Me: You see, just because I don't believe in gravity doesn't stop it from existing. So if I dance on top of a building in the belief that gravity isn't real regardless of what I believe the reality is I may well fall to my death. In the same way morality is a law that may very well... girls? What are you doing?
Girls: Maths homework.
Me: Maths homework?
Girls: Yeah we have a test next session.
Me: Yeah but you probably have a party to go to this weekend.
Girls: So?
Me: (walking across the room and taking the work off them) So think of this as study for that.
Girls: What?
Interfering child #1: Tear the work up Mr. Limb!
Me: Shut up.
Me:(putting work in draw) Now girls I hate maths almost as much as I hate inebriated teenage girls..
Girls: What?
Me: Shut up. And I find it troubling that you would do that work in my class.
Girls: But what has gravity got to do with parties?
Me: I'm talking about the reality and implication of a moral law, whether or not you believe in that moral law.
Girls: But what has gravity got to do with parties?
Me:...
Girls: (one of them suddenly puts up their hands) I don't understand what you're talking about. What's morality?
Me: (beat) What?
Girls: What's that word mean?
Me: You are kidding, right? (Looks at room in disbelief, he suddenly notices something he hadn't before - a complete lack of comprehension) Who can tell me what morality is?
Room: Silence
Me: Put up your hand if you know what morality is. (there is the no movement - two students turn to ask each other a question) SHUTUP! Who knows what.... ok no-one know s what the term morality means. This is so getting blogged.
Girls: Hey rapper boy's dead.
General mass along that side of the room erupts.
I bring a meter ruler down on a desk.
Me: QUIET. Does anyone have a working definition of what morals are?
Girls: No he's dead, he jumped off a cliff 'cause he thought he could fly.
Girls: You know who he is Mr. Limb, you know? Rapper boy?
Me: (I stare)
Girls: yeah... (one of them starts absurdly bobbing up and down in her chair folding and unfolding her arms like a mummy having second thoughts) (She sings... badly)
Class erupts again.
I explode again. Ruler starts to splinter.
Me: You don't know what... that makes things a little more difficult.
Girls: Yeah morals is rules about doing the right thing.
Me: Ok. Good, now morality is the same idea.
Girls: But what's that got to do with gravity and parties?
Me: You know Rapper Boy who jumped off the cliff?
Girls: Yeah?
Me: Was he drunk?
Girls: Yep and high on...
Me: Good. Now you understand the link I'm trying to make between gravity and parties.
Boy: But you can't prove that God exists.
Me: What?
Boy: You think God might exist but you can't prove that!
Me: Where did you... (I try to make the link)
Class erupts.
Teacher quietly thinks that rapper boy may have been onto something.