Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So you want a Zebra Finch?


How do you say 'no' to your son about getting a Zebra Finch when your wife is in defence of the idea?

Here's a few tips.

First, talk about your own childhood and explain how you desperately wanted a Zebra Finch, but your parents said 'No'.

Second, think of an animal your wife hates and bring that into the conversation.

"Hey, I used to own a Ferret."
Daughter (Online with kid brother checking out Zebra Finch): What's a Ferret?
Me: Google it.
Daughter:(a moment later - awestruck): Wow! These are really cute.
Me: Yeah... they are.
Wife: No. They're not. They smell and they bite. They kill babies.
Me: Who needs babies anyway. You train them not to bite and you buy a female, they don't stink so much.
Wife: You're not having a Ferret.
Daughter: Can we pleeeeeeeeease have a Ferret.
ME: You know, they can, like some birds, mimic human speech.
Daughter: REALLY?!
Wife: Hang on...
Me: Yeah... the one I used to have, we trained it to say"I LOVE YOU" and it would look at you with these really cute shiny eyes and say it in a tiny voice. It would make me tear up.
Wife: Until it bit you.
Son: Yeah but can I have a Zebra Finch?
ME: Absolutely buddy. You get the Zebra Finch and your sister can have a Ferret, that would be fair.
Kids: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wife: We are not getting a Ferret!
Daughter: But Dad, do you want a Ferret?
ME: You bet I do but ...(make sure you pause for effect then look at wife) your mother doesn't want one. And if we can't have a Ferret then your brother can't have a Zebra Finch.
(Sadly look at both children).


And points go to me for not having to have a bloody bird in the house, though odds on we get a Zebra Finch and a Ferret. Ferret WILL eat the bird. Guaranteed.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

When the muse attacks


















It bothers me that most of the Philosophers throughout history were wealthy men with the means to pursue a life of Philosophy. It seems to defy the heart of the issue. I realise of course that everyone is capable of suffering and the wealthy will obviously encounter their fair share - I mean it's entirely subjective and humans being what they are, are fairly adaptive. So one person living in poverty is going to suffer in their experience. However the wealthy will also suffer - perhaps it's suffering loneliness, or boredom - or whatever. The point is in each person's experience the suffering while quantitatively different will qualitatively be similar. An injury is still an injury, a broken heart is still a broken heart.

I've picked a stupid dichotomy because all the research about happiness points out that everything between abject poverty and what we'd call substantially wealthy register similar levels of happiness. I have the typical imaginary ranter (she changes form - at the moment she's a hip athiest who is quite vocal and well educated - it's entirely likely she's my muse which would totally figure - that mysterious figure supposed to quietly inspire you is abusing me - holy cow she's doing it even now!

Muse: Oh, so you're writing a blog and that makes you an artist?
Me: What?! No, I'm just saying that you're supposed to inspire me and you're abusing me.
Muse: Yeah well you're the one make gross over generalisations about how the suffering of the wealthy are essentially the same as those in poverty...
Me: Here we go.
Muse:... because we all know that not having clean water and and basic shelter IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS SOMEONE TURNING UP TO THE BALL FOR THE GOVERNOR IN THE EXACT SAME DRESS AS YOU!!!!
Me: Yeah well it would be quite humiliating if you were a man.
Muse: Oh right make a joke out of it - why don't you throw in some sort of gay slur.
Me: That's an example cross dressing, doesn't mean you're gay so essentially you're the one whose being the biggot.
Muse: We're talking about the suffering of the poor and the down trodden being the same as the wealthy. You don't know what you're talking about and you're putting on weight.
Me: Ok, you know what you're out of control..
Muse: OUT OF CONTROL! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHIN...... OUT OF CONTROL? ARE YOU RETARDED?
Me: Hey! Steady now that's kind of out of line.
Muse: SHUT.UP. And what is this? Why are you even writing this. Why? Who is reading this?
Me: No one has to it's just creative...
Muse: Then keep a fricken' journal genius. Spewing your junk trash thoughts all over the internet.
Me: While that's a tautology it's a relevant good point.
Muse: Right so can we stop this nonsense then and go back to that quiet despair you were quietly working on?
Me: Can we please keep to the point? I was raising the whole thing about Philosophers pondering stuff and living in the lap of luxury while they did so. I just don't think it's fair. What about normal people like me.
Muse: You can't use the term 'normal' with reference to your self.
Me: You know what I mean.
Muse: Yeah but you're still essentially privileged, compared to the rest of the world.
Me: That's just crippling Western guilt brow beating me.
Muse: No. It's me making a substantial point.
Me: I helped out someone by mowing their radically overgrown lawn yesterday and then I sat through a film with horrific hay fever - it was embarrassing - sounded like I was crying.
Muse: Don't chat to me, I'm not interested. Least you could go to a film. Spose it was 3D
Me: Yeah it was - it was $25 to see and it was obviously post converted. There wasn't any 2D screenings of it.
Muse: What film?
Me: Thor.
Muse: You know there's people with no clean water to drink in the world, don't you?
Me: Yes. I know. That's why you're in my head.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Check your facts or get bitten in the face


Sigh. I should check and double check before I mention something. Ridiculous really, given that I haven't blogged in a while.

Anyway.

Here's a follow up to the Mark Bao story I posted the other day. Seems like certain things don't add up - which in light of everything, makes more sense. Hit on the following link to go to "People Liking People" blogspot where they call out Bao's story.



I've not written anything of late - and in what now appears rather desperate, I've resorted to uploading entries based on old events. Yep - nothing cool happens to me anymore so I'm now drifting back over my past, looking wistfully at previous events. Smiling through glazed eyes as I recall them. Cept the whole time I was in Turkey I spent it with mounting concern that we were going to die. Retelling the past always sounds good, largely because you obviously survived it. Next thing you know I'll be standing at a checkout recounting events like an old person. Come to think of it I did just that at a reticulation shop - you know - for sprinklers and stuff I'm in the habit of destroying. I started telling thus story to the owner of the store when I suddenly realised he gave not a crap. I fled, muttering an apology for going on but stumbling along with the fresh revelation that I had become 'that guy'.

No - it's not true that nothing cool happens. I said that just so I could write a blog. Wait....